It might surprise you to hear that being kind isn’t just good for the other person, it’s good for you too! Skeptical? There is good scientific evidence to show that living up to the adage of doing unto others as you would have them do to you is one of the best things you can do for yourself! It lowers your blood pressure, improves your mood, and acts as a natural anti-depressant by boosting the serotonin levels in your brain.
So, what can you do to stay in the right frame of mind to be kind? After all, being kind isn’t always easy. Some days you want to grit your teeth and just grouse at the world. And there are some people it’s tough to be kind to. How can you change your approach to life to be as kind as you can? Here are three truths to remember when you’re tempted to be unkind.
Remember what you can control and what you can’t
It’s a fact of life that other people can be rude, thoughtless, irritating, and even mean. Theyhave opinions you don’t agree with. You can’t change or control any of that. But you can control how you react. Kindness is always the best option for you and the other guy. Take a deep breath, count to ten, and bite back that retort or putdown. Practice being kind, and soon it will be second nature.
Anger doesn’t help
Reacting with anger doesn’t do anything to resolve a bad situation. Anger makes you feel terrible. It’s likely to escalate things and won’t get you the result you want. Even worse, anger can lead to all sorts of physical problems, from headaches to high blood pressure, sleep problems, and digestive issues. A lifetime habit of anger can even lead to a stroke or a heart attack. Recognize the potential to get angry and take a step back.
Kindness is always the right option
Whatever the situation, you will never go wrong if you’re kind. Kindness also makes you an inspiring leader, a role model for others. Making the choice to be kind in the face of frustration, even provocation, shows that conflict is not inevitable. Giving in to childish feelings of needing to be right or get what you want all the time is easy. But it breeds discontent and won’t win you any friends.
Kindness breeds a more detached attitude to life, it encourages positive emotions and will help to make you and the people around you calmer, happier, and more energized.
4 Powerful Ways to Imagine Your Success into Reality
Everyone has big dreams. Everyone wants to be successful. Maybe you see yourself making an Oscars acceptance speech or winning the Nobel Prize. Perhaps you want to be a successful entrepreneur or an elite athlete.
Whether you want to be winning an Olympic medal or making your first million, you can use the power of visualization to make your dreams of success a reality.
1. Picture Yourself Winning
Just wanting to be successful isn’t enough. You have to be able to taste your success. Picture yourself being offered that promotion, being congratulated by friends and family, seeing your new business cards.
Make your success as real and detailed as you can. How good does it feel?
2. Find Your Trigger
Finding your own personal success trigger can be a powerful way to keep the momentum going and your energy high. Write down your big goal, whether it’s winning an Oscar or scholarship, or running your own business. Make it a positive statement that is straightforward and concise. For example, “I will be promoted to Vice President next year.”
Look at your trigger statement every day. Maybe make it your computer wallpaper or your smartphone’s lock screen. When Jim Carrey was a young actor trying to make it big, he famously wrote himself a $10million check dated far into the future. When that day came, he was offered $10million for his role in Dumb and Dumber.
Remember that story when you see your trigger statement and think of how good it will feel to achieve your goal.
3. Create A Vision Board
Vision boards help to make your dreams concrete. You can use pictures, photos, affirmations, and quotes to create a picture of the life you want.
A vision board can be a poster, a Pinterest board, a whiteboard, or a journal. Make you sure you keep your vision board where you can see it every day and add to it when you need to or when you find a new photo or quote that really speaks to you.
4. Feed Your Dream
You can make your visualization even more potent by nourishing it with positivity. Don’t put all the good feelings in the future but feed your dream with happy memories. Think of times when you felt happy, successful, and content with your life.
These positive images reinforce to your mind that you have already proven you can have a happy, fulfilled life. Keep negativity at bay by reminding yourself that you have done it, you are doing it, you can do it!
5 Benefits of Becoming More Comfortable Expressing Your Emotions
“How are you?” has shifted from a point of conversation to a meaningless reflex. If you think about how many times you ask that question every day, you may realize it’s no longer achieving its point. “How are you?” could open up a can of worms. It could allow for meaningful discussion. It could give you the opportunity to talk about your psyche.
But so often, people respond like robots: “I’m good. How are you?” It becomes a pointless conversation –a mere exchange of wasted words. Instead, we could use it as an opportunity to get to know someone better or to express how we’re really feeling. There are many benefits of being comfortable with expressing your emotions; here are five of them!
Be Free (and Free Others, Too)
You don’t realize it, but when you stifle your emotions, you stifle your freedom. You should feel free to express yourself at every phase of life. As soon as you allow yourself to be comfortable with your true self and your true feelings, you open up the door for others to be comfortable with you, too.
Tear Down Your Fears
If you’re afraid of showing your emotions, stand up to them. Tell them that you’re not scared of them. Those feelings may be new and utterly foreign to you, but by confronting them, you’re tearing down the sense of fear.
Be Authentic to Yourself
The real “you” comes with all of the feelings and emotions you’re experiencing. Be true to that, and don’t let the feelings get in the way. You may feel like your true self is one that doesn’t come with baggage – that would be great, but no one is like that! We all come with goods and bads, and in order tohonor the authentic “you,” you need to be able to express your emotions openly and honestly.
Add Flavor to Your Life
Believe it or not, being more honest and expressive can help you live life to the fullest more. It allows you to be you and to enjoy who you are more. If you’re stifling your feelings or being ashamed of them, you’re not living life to the fullest. Add flavor to your life by showing who you really are.
Get Closer to Others
Everyone feels emotions on different levels. No one knows precisely what you’re going through, but people can relate to some degree. When you open up to others, you get closer to them. You can bond over shared emotions, or you can ask them for advice on your situation. Either way, intimacy, and friendship is always enhanced when you’re able to open up more.
The next time someone says, “How are you?” think twice about your answer. Your reflex may be to say you’re good, but maybe if you tell them how you really are (exhausted, over-the-moon, nervous, excited, etc.), you’ll have a more in-depth conversation with them – and you’ll free yourself to be able to talk about how you really feel!
5 Tips for Being Your Best at Work
Being your best at work means not only putting your best foot forward but also continually working to better yourself. This doesn’t always mean turning in the best project or attending all the professional developments. Keep reading to learn basic ways you can show up with your best at work every day.
1. Get to Know Your Colleagues
Learning about your colleagues has many benefits. You don’t have to be out to make friends, but learning about others can benefit you in many ways. First, it shows you care, and people like it when people are considerate. Second, it will help you find things in common that you can come back to when work gets tough. Finally, getting to know people will help you learn how to work better. Derek prefers exact instructions and asks lots of questions, while Suzy is a big-picture type of person who tends to skip over minor details. Getting to know means learning how to work better.
2. Don’t Be a Gossip
No one likes an office gossip, except maybe the other office gossip. Getting caught up in drama can be a distraction and can earn you a bad reputation with your coworkers and supervisors. You want to be someone that can be trusted with information. Keep your business to yourself and remember, loose lips sink ships.
3. Stretch Your Skill Set
Stretching your skills as well as learning new ones allows you to continue growing your tool bag. This will make you a more valuable team member and will help you if you ever decide to look for a new position elsewhere.
4. Become a Mentor
Mentoring can be done in and outside of the office. The new intern that is lost? Take that person under your wing and help them find their way. You will be a valuable friend and show that you are willing to help others. You can also do outreach in your profession in schools and other community programs.
5. Be a Friend
You don’t have to be BFFs with every person in the office but be friendly. Ask how others are doing, encourage, start a meal train if someone is sick or on parental leave. Not only will others appreciate and remember your kindness, but they will be willing to return the favor if the need arises.
Being your best at work is not something that you can achieve in a day. It’s a constant stream of small and conscious decisions that you will make daily. These decisions will build upon each other and allow you to create a work culture and life that will be fulfilling and beneficial.
5 Ways Exercise Helps You Become More Successful
You have a lot of energy and are full of visions of dreams fulfilled. You want to succeed in life. But how can you when you’re not moving?
Oh, sure, you’ve got some great ideas about what you want to do. You’re probably even working toward them. You might even have the entire future laid out in a precise roadmap and are busy ticking off each item on the list. But consider this: you’re still failing if you’re not fit.
In short, you need to exercise.
Why is exercise so important to success?
Exercise Helps You Practice Skills You Need Elsewhere
You’re never going to succeed if you haven’t set up some serious goals and added them to your schedule. People who exercise are used to doing both things already. In fact, this kind of dedicated planning is probably already second nature.
Exercise Invites You to Go Deep
Feeling a little burned out, or bogged down by bad habits? Both of these problems fade with exercise. When working out, you give your mind a chance to rest. Better yet, the healthy brain chemicals triggered by activity, such as dopamine, replace malaise with a feel-good kind of reaction instead. You get into the zone and can let your mind run free, exploring new thoughts and ideas while growing more fit and healthy with each step. Many a knotty problem has been worked out while working out.
Exercise Drops Stress
No, you can’t tell the people around you what you really think of them. Exercise gives you a safe outlet to burn out anger, rage, frustration, grief or a host of other emotions aroused by others throughout the day. This clears your mind to get you back on track with what’s important.
Exercise Builds You Up
When you’re working out, you can’t help but feel better about yourself. After all, the very act of exercise makes your body feel good instead of lethargic and heavy. As a result, your self-talk shifts. You become more positive in what you say, and even more optimistic about outcomes, especially as you see yourself realizing exercise goals. You visualize success.
Exercise Keeps You on Schedule
When chasing goals, it’s really easy to keep working without stopping. This will eventually kill you if you’re not careful. By taking an exercise break, you put a stop to the day and remind yourself there’s a lot more to life than work. This helps keep you in balance so you can return to your hopes and dreams with a more rested mind tomorrow.
Without your health, you’re never going to truly be able to achieve anything. In the end, the most significant benefit to your future success through exercise comes from the fact you’re healthier overall. Period. So, get moving, be consistent, and have fun. Success is out there waiting for you.
5 Ways to Add Self-Care into a Busy Day
Where do you fit into your day?
If you’re like most people, you’re pretty busy. You’re already dealing with work, relationships, and a whole lot of day-to-day actions. You’re running in every direction at once. How in the world are you supposed to fit self-care into a day like that?
Thankfully, it’s easier than you think. Try these five ways to add self-care into your busy day.
Ask Some Important Questions
Self-care isn’t always about over-indulging yourself. Truly, at its core, self-care is more practical than you might think. You start by asking yourself what you need right now. Meeting these basic needs should be at the center of self-care.
Map it Out
Self-care is never going to just happen. Unless you are intentional, you will never make time for it. By making use of your calendar and scheduling time for yourself you are more likely to succeed in meeting your basic needs. Start small by building in the habits which will help you the most. You can begin by adding in regular exercise date several days a week, or by making a meal plan to help you eat healthier. As you achieve one goal, addin another. The key is not to overwhelm yourself all at once.
Figure Out What Comes First
How are you when it comes to priorities? If you’re like most people, just deciding where to begin can be difficult.Here you need to figure out the difference between important and urgent. If something is important and not urgent, you can add it to your schedule. If something is urgent and not important, give it to someone else to do. But if something is urgent and important, do this first.
Learn to Say “No”
You should never feel like you have to say “yes” to everything. Sometimes the best form of self-care is learning how to say “no.” By setting solid boundaries, you protect yourself from activities which will only leave you drainedand give you no benefit at all.
Do the Small Stuff
We think the little things don’t matter, but they do. By ensuring you take care of the basics such as making sure you get enough sleep, practicing good hygiene, eating right, and exercising, you will keep your body in tiptop form. These things also have a solid impact on your mental health.
When we get busy, we tend to forget all of these things so easily. When you’re making an effort to take care of yourself, you have to be intentional in what you do. Remembering these 5 tips will go a long way toward keeping you healthy and happy no matter how busy you get.
5 Ways to Weed Weakness Out of Your Life
Everyone has weaknesses. We’re born with them. We grow with them. We lose them, develop them, and lose them all over again. It’s part of the growing experience.
So, if you’re trying to pass off your life as one with no weaknesses, you may be having a tough time. It takes time to get to a point where you graduate your attributes from weak ones to strong ones, but it is 100% possible. Start with a few solid ways to weed weakness out of your life.
- Make it a Game
When you zoom out and think about your weaknesses, you can make a list out of it. Write them all down. Then, attack your list as if it were a to-do list. These are definitive attributes that can be improved or changed, so why not go for it?
2. Learn from Others
You are not alone here. You’re certainly not the only person who has had/will ever have this weakness. You have tons of people to look up to and learn from, so use this to your advantage. Find someone who has similar weaknesses or similar habits as you. Ask them questions. Learn from them. Then, apply it to your situation.
3. Think About What You Cannot See
Have you ever received criticism from someone and been completely shocked? Sometimes we don’t realize our weaknesses until it is brought to our attention. If you’re starting on a self-improvement project, try asking your friends and family what they think you can improve about yourself.
4. Take it a Step Further
Weaknesses are not surface level, so they shouldn’t be treated that way. If you have a hard time speaking in public, there is likely a deeper-seated issue causing that surface-level weakness. If you don’t like to do your work on time, there’s probably something triggering that. When you analyze your weaknesses, don’t just think about how you want to improve them. Think about why they are there in the first place. Ask yourself questions like “Why do I really feel this way?” or “Have I always felt this way?” Get to the crux of your weakness, and then work to crush it.
5. Recognize that Strengths Always Trump Weaknesses
No matter what your strengths are or what your weaknesses are, the good always trumps the bad. Don’t be too hard on yourself throughout this process. You have so many good things going for you, so don’t let yourself forget about those. When you’re asking your loved ones about your weaknesses, ask about your strengths. When you’re making a list of things you want to improve about yourself, make a list about the things you pride yourself on. Keep up the morale and push through!
6 Ways to Live Your Life with Purpose
Finding your purpose in life can turn everything around. It can make your life immediately more meaningful, giving you a reason to bound out of bed in the morning instead of grouching your way to the coffee pot.
Living with purpose helps to make the tough times easier to deal with, and the good times even better.
1. Know Your Beliefs
Living with purpose starts with understanding your own personal system of values and beliefs. What is important to you? What really matters?
When you understand your beliefs, you can start to live by sticking to what is really important in your moral universe. You have an inbuilt list that you can use to guide the way you make decisions and priorities. It is the bedrock of integrity and how others will judge you. Living in alignment with your beliefs will earn you respect and trust.
2. Get Clarity on Your Priorities
Your priorities are shaped by your purpose. Once you know your life purpose, it becomes easier to work out what you want to do and how to achieve your goals. This clarity means that saying no to some things and a hearty yes to others becomes more natural, and you’ll get ahead much faster.
3. Aim for Balance
Once you’re comfortable with your life purpose, some of the striving and anxiety of life can ease off. You don’t have to work 24/7. You know how important it is to stay healthy, emotionally, and physically. People living with purpose make sure to connect with the people they love, and they don’t forget about self-care.
4. Follow Your Passion
Knowing your passion will help you find and nurture your purpose. Passion means energy and motivation; it means being really engaged with life and focusing on getting the most out of it. A new day is full of opportunities and promise, and you’re ready to go for it!
5. Feel Your Contentment
This might sound a little surprising, but living a purposeful life gives you time to smell the roses. Knowing your life purpose takes the anxious edge off things and allows you to feel grateful for where you are now, as well as excited for the future.
6. Live in the Present
Perhaps the best gift of a life of purpose is that you relish every moment. There’s no room in your life for regret because everything you do is part of the big adventure. Challenges and setbacks become easier to ride out because you’re not letting failure define you. Being plugged into the present allows you to feel the abundance that’s already in your life.
7 Things People Who Believe in Themselves Do Differently
What is about people who believe in themselves? We see it in the way they carry themselves, in the way they converse with others, and in the things they accomplish. Self-belief in action is an amazing thing to see, and something everyone should aspire to.
At the same time, we very quickly become intimidated by this kind of change. It seems like it would be hard to change how you think and feel about yourself. We tend to stall out before we begin because it seems like only ‘special’ people are going to get ‘there.’
But is that true? A closer examination shows us otherwise. In fact, you’ll find people who believe in themselves have a lot of traits in common. Let’s look at some of those now.
They Know Where to Find Happiness
…and it’s not where you’ve been looking. People with self-belief know true happiness is something that comes from inside, not from how many toys you have or how many digits you have in your checking account.
They’re Really Not Interested in What Everyone Else is Doing
With no judgment and even less interest in comparing themselves to others, people who believe in themselves tend to focus more on what they’re doing. The competition simply doesn’t matter.
They Pick their Battles
When you lack self-belief, you tend to say ‘yes’ to everything. The problem? If you don’t value your time, no one else will either. Learning which things to say ‘yes’ to and more importantly, how to say ‘no,’ shows the world around them their time is worth fighting for.
They Know When to Speak Confidently
There’s no waffling or room for wishy-washy statements in the world of self-belief. Your ‘yes’ means ‘yes.’ You use a phrase like, “I know…” or “I can…” without second-guessing or wondering if they really can follow through with what they’re saying.
They Look for the Challenge
There’s nothing like a little healthy competition with yourself. Self-belief means you know the value of pushing to get to the next level. To a person with this kind of self-belief, life becomes almost like a game to move up by facing a challenge straight-on.
They Know How to Fail
The person with self-belief isn’t afraid to try, which sometimes means not accomplishing what they set out to do. When that happens, they take the lesson learned without making excuses or worrying about how it looks.
They Don’t Need the Spotlight
When you believe in yourself, you don’t need accolades and are quick to point out the accomplishments of others. Most people with strong self-belief are modest. They know their value; they don’t need someone else to underscore it for them.
The amazing thing about all of these traits is just how easy they are to develop in yourself. By taking the time to build habits of self-belief, you’ll be amazed at how quickly you become one of those fantastic people who really believe in themselves.
How to Be More Grateful for What Freedom You Already Have
There‘s so much emphasis on getting ahead, being successful and striving for change that it can be hard to remember that you already have so much for which to be grateful. Even worse, the constant pushing to change your circumstances can lead to dissatisfaction, and keep you trapped in a cycle of always feeling you’re not good enough.
Free yourself from the shackles of ‘must try harder’ by remembering to stop and appreciate what you’ve already achieved, what blessings you already have in your life. Keep in mind that you are free to be content right now. Here are some tips to help free you from the cycle of discontent.
1. Change your focus
Research has shown that the more you cultivate a habit of gratitude, the better able you are to weather the ups and downs of life. As you perceive life to be positive, you will come to expect more of the same. You can retrain your brain from negative self-talk to greater thankfulness, gratitude,and happiness.
By practicing gratitude, you rewire the neural pathways in your brain so that it becomes your mindset’s default setting. You learn to look for the good in things instead of focusing on the bad.
2. Step away from more stuff
If you’re like most people, you have more than enough possessions. The current mantra is that spending brings happiness, but deep down you probably know that it doesn’t. Sure, buying yourself a new car or outfit makes you feel good at the time, but that spenders high wears off pretty quickly.
Break the habit of buying the next shiny thing and appreciate what you’ve got right now.
3. Develop a mindfulness practice
Mindfulness and meditation can help you focus on the good that’s already in your life. By focusing on the present, you free yourself from that familiar yoyo-ingof brooding over past disappointments and future anxieties.
You can easily integrate mindfulness into your day. Whatever you’re doing, pause and focus on your breath. Ask yourself: what are five things I’m grateful for in my life right now? Your five items can be anything from having a roof over your head to having a job, yourpartner or your health. Or you can be grateful for a comfortable chair or clean sheets! Chose anything that makes you feel good at that very moment.
Choosing gratitude and contentment doesn’t mean being stagnant or giving up. It means stepping aside from judgment and freeing yourself from the bonds of negativity.
Discovering Your Self-Worth Despite Challenging Circumstances
Does life seem to be a struggle for you? Do you feel overwhelmed and frustrated much of the time? Do you wish you could experience something better? Fortunately, you can enjoy the exciting life you deserve.
Success is available to you despite challenging circumstances. It’s important to remember, also, that your self-worth is not defined by your circumstances.
What holds you back? Take some time today to question the beliefs you hold that limit your potential. If you look at a challenging circumstance as a wall that’s impossible to climb, you need a fresh perspective. Within you is everything you need to thrive and excel. The more you question the validity of your limiting beliefs, the more success you’ll experience in your life.
Think of a circumstance in your life that you believe is preventing you from something you want. Write it down, then get ready to challenge that limiting belief. If you do, you’ll begin to move toward the success you deserve.
Use these strategies to maintain a positive self-worth, regardless of your circumstances:
1. Find the cause. What is the cause of the circumstance in your life? Sometimes, limiting beliefs can serve as warning signs that help you avoid danger. What can you learn from this so you avoid triggering a similar situation in the future?
If the cause of your situation is unclear, ask friends and family for their input. Others see your life from a different perspective, and their input can be valuable in determining the root of your difficulty.
2. Get past the blame game. You can often be your own worst critic. Fortunately, negative self-talk often has very little basis in reality. Choose to replace the doubts of your inner critic with more productive thinking.
· Once a negative thought has taught you its intended lesson, it has served its purpose. If you choose to hold onto those negative thoughts, they will begin to form a negative self-image in your mind. This unbalanced view of your talents and strengths holds you back.
· Instead of dwelling on negative thoughts about your circumstances, learn the lesson and resolve to move on. Find out what you can do differently to avoid a repeat of your present situation. Then, when negative thoughts enter your mind, choose to replace your self-talk with productive thoughts instead.
3. Cut yourself some slack. Recognize that you’re human. Everyone makes mistakes, but your attitude determines your altitude in life. You are valuable regardless of your present predicament. You are worthwhile even when you slip up or falter. Your circumstances simply provide feedback and an opportunity to learn and grow.
4. Make the most of it. When you recognize that you’re valuable despite your circumstances, you’ll begin to make the most of every opportunity. Stumbling blocks you face can become stepping stones to the success you deserve, simply by changing what you focus on.
· Instead of feeling helpless, ask yourself: “What’s great about this?” Every situation provides something of value if you look for it.
5. Ask for help. Loved ones and friends often see strengths in you that go without notice. Ask them what they believe your strengths are. This is where your self-worth is found.Everyone has something of value to contribute.
· Once you recognize your unique talents, gifts, and abilities, you’ll see life in a whole new way. You’ll seek opportunities to use your talents to bless others. You’ll gain confidence that comes from conquering challenges that once made you cringe.
· Instead of allowing your circumstances to dictate who you are, you’ll make the rules!
6. Live one day at a time. Despite your best efforts, some days simply provide one frustration after another. When this happens, you have a choice. You can let your circumstances defeat you, or you can choose a more positive perspective.
Resolve today to find your strengths, learn from your difficult circumstances, and experience the joy you were created to experience. Instead of tying your self-worth to your circumstances, choose to see things as they really are. You were created with unique talents and gifts. When you find those gifts within yourself and put them to use, you’ll know how valuable you truly are.
Family Matters: How to Be More Open and Honest About Your Feelings
And there’s something else I’ve noticed—when we’re out with friends, Paul sometimes makes a cryptic comment about me. Once in a while, those comments really hurt my feelings! Yet, I show no response at the time. I never mention these situations later although I think about them.
I now find myself feeling less happy about our relationship than I used to. I don’t want to end our marriage or anything like that, but still I wonder, are we doomed to a life of being just another married couple who seem not to enjoy each other that much?
A: You have a right to feel disappointed about the changes in your relationship. It’s not unusual for married couples to experience transitions in marriages over the years. However, the issues you bring up are situations that can be addressed and resolved, as long as both people want them to change.
I think the single most important aspect of these challenges you present is what appears to be your hesitance or refusal to discuss with
Paul how you’re feeling. Partners in couples actually need to know how the other is feeling.
In the event one partner is doing something unintentionally hurtful to the other, the one being hurt has a responsibility to the relationship to bring up the topic for serious discussion.
Q: But won’t it hurt his feelings or make him angry if I bring up a situation that caused me upset?
A: Well, the fact is that he probably won’t feel his best. But assuming that he loves you, he’s going to want to know about your feelings and about how his behaviors are affecting you. Look at it this way: if you were inadvertently doing something that hurt Paul’s feelings on more than one occasion, wouldn’t you want to know about it so you could stop the behavior?
Q: I guess I see your point. I definitely would want to know if I was upsetting Paul so I could change what I was doing. Otherwise, I could be hurting him over and over again and not even know it!
A: So, step 1 in your relationship is to talk with Paul about how you’re feeling and about what has been bothering you. An important part of your discussion will be stating to Paul what you want and need from him.
Q: Oh boy, the idea of doing that scares me. I’m afraid I’ll say it the wrong way or say something wrong that will make him mad.
A: There’s good news: you can learn some basic communication skills that will help you share your feelings in a non-threatening way. As you
gain confidence in how you communicate, you won’t feel as much fear about talking to Paul about your feelings.
Q: How can I say my feelings in a non-hurtful way?
A: First, wait to talk to Paul when you’re not terribly hurt and angry. It’s best to keep a cool head when you’re sharing your feelings. Also, choose an appropriate time and place to converse. For example, just after dinner. Your talk should be private with just the two of you present. It’s important to be able to make eye contact, so sit at a table or in the living room together.
Q: Give me an example of how I can tell him I don’t enjoy going to play pool on Thursdays anymore.
A:Now you’re getting very specific, which is quite helpful when you’re communicating feelings. You could say something like, “I find that I don’t enjoy going to play pool as much as I used to.” Then, you have a few options: you can pause and wait for Paul to respond. If you prefer, you can go on to say, “I’d like to stop going to play pool on Thursdays.”
Also, you could make an alternate suggestion for the time spent together on Thursdays, like “Let’s try something different on Thursdays—how about going bowling or meeting some friends for dinner?”
The focus here is on stating your feelings clearly using a non-threatening tone of voice. This way, Paul will be more receptive to you and respond to what you’re saying. You’ve probably heard this before, but it bears repeating—start out with an “I” statement.
When you say, “I,” it shifts the responsibility for the conversation on to you, which is reasonable, given you’re the one who has something
important to say. It’s best if a “feeling” word follows. So, “I’m concerned” or “I don’t enjoy” or “I’d like to” are great ways to start a sentence when you’re sharing feelings with a partner.
Q: Sounds simple enough. What if I start out this way and Paul still gets annoyed?
A: That’s an excellent question. Try to remember that Paul, too, is entitled to feel however he feels. Listen to what he has to say. Refrain from taking his annoyance too personally. When he’s finished talking, you could say something like, “It sounds like you’re annoyed right now” or “It seems you’re upset about something. How can we work this out so we’re both happy?” The important part here is that you avoid getting upset. That’s because, once the both of you are upset, annoyed or angry, the chances of effective communication occurring decreases dramatically and quickly.
Allow your partner to have his own feelings. However, recognize that how he feels isn’t your fault. Each person is responsible for his own emotions. It’s integral that you do not give up your own feelings because the other person wants you to. If you do, you’ll most likely be unhappy later.
Take a firm but non-threatening position about what you want to do. If you simply state what you want, a loving partner will listen and understand.
Q: Okay, I think I’ve got it. I have a responsibility to my marriage to keep my husband informed about how I’m truly feeling. Since I know
he loves me, I’ve got hope now that I can get some of my troubling situations straightened out.
But what about the negative comments he makes about me when we’re out with friends?
A: The good news is that if you use the communication techniques we just discussed, they’ll work in almost any marital situation. I recommend that you wait until you get home after the outing when Paul made a comment that bothered you. In the event either of you drank any alcohol, it’s best to bring up your issue in the morning. At any rate, use your “I” statements and feeling words and be specific.
Here’s how:
“Last night, when you said to Lola and Jim that I never take a turn washing the car, it really bothered me. Will you please not say comments like that to our friends anymore? I am very interested in how you feel, though. So, if you want me to wash the car or do something, will you please come and talk to me directly about it?”
Hopefully, Paul will reveal to you what he truly meant by the comment. If he doesn’t, feel free to tell him you’re concerned by the comment and ask him, “Do you really feel that way?” Make it clear that you’re interested in resolving the issue, if in fact it is an issue, with him.
Emphasize that you care about his feelings and that if there’s something you’re not doing that frustrates him, you’re willing to discuss it.
Q: So, I should use the same communication tactics when my feelings are hurt about a comment Paul made and I want to talk to him about what he said. So, when I’m feeling like I don’t want to go along with Paul and do something he wants to do or when I feel hurt about something he said, I’ve got to take steps right away to resolve each challenge as it happens. Right?
A: Correct. Allowing a lot of hurts and distress to build up isn’t good for a marriage. When that happens, one or both partners end up feeling overall not as happy about the relationship. All those hurts and distress can build a wall between you, resulting in a “ho-hum” or even unhappy marriage.
Lift Your Spirits by Keeping a Neat, Clean Home
Does clutter or dirt around the house nag at you mentally, adding item after item to your to-do list? Have you ever noticed how much more relaxed you feel when you come home to a tidy house?
Although there are those who believe that having a neat home isn’t one of the more important aspects of life, the reality is that your spirits can be lifted by having a certain amount of order in the house. And cleanliness matters, too.
If you’d like to see your mood improve, there are simple ways to do it without ever leaving your house!
To lift your spirits and feel like your home is your sanctuary, consider these ideas:
1. The mood and tone of your home influence how you feel. The types of furnishings are less important than the level of cleanliness and a certain amount of order and organization.
· Make small changes in your home that make you happy.
· If you’ve had a hard day at work and return to a home that’s disorganized and needs a good cleaning, your spirits will lag. But if you return to a home that’s organized and clean, you’ll lift your spirits simply by walking in the door.
2. Your home may be a reflection of your mood. Not only does the state of your home influence your mood, but the inverse is also true, according to some mental health experts.Studies indicate that how you handle your possessions in your home is a reflection of what you believe about yourself and how you feel.
· Consider this: if you’re calm and relaxed by nature, the arrangement, organization, and cleanliness of your home most likely presents serenity and peacefulness.
· If you’re emotionally overwrought or plagued with anxiety or depression, your home may be cluttered, disorganized or in need of a good cleaning.
· If you’re feeling down and find yourself with a home that’s not neat and clean, remember that when the home’s challenges are addressed, your emotional state may improve.
3. To have a neater home, sort and store your possessions in an organized fashion. An organized home just means that you can find things when and where you need them. You don’t need a grand scheme to do this. Just store your keys near the door, your cooking utensils by the stove, and the kids’ toys near where they play.
· Avoid getting overwhelmed by the task of organizing. Vow to organize just one room at a time.
· You can even concentrate on one area of a room, like the desk or a corner that you find particularly troublesome.
· You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel at home if you begin to tidy up in small ways.
4. It’s okay to ask for help. Perhaps your home is too big or too disorganized for you to feel comfortable tackling it on your own. Or maybe you’re just too busy.
· Spouses and kids are a great place to start asking for help. After all, they live there, too! And they certainly contribute to dirt and clutter. Give them specific tasks, and watch your house get clean before your eyes!
· If you have the financial resources, treating yourself to a professional cleaning once or twice a year can be a wonderful gift to yourself. And the results can last for weeks or even months!
Having your own home is wonderful. And tailoring your house to suit your personal preferences is crucial to making you feel like your home is your castle. Do everything you can to keep your home organized, neat, and clean. You’ll feel glad you did each time you walk in the door.
What is Depression?
If you ask a group of people who’ve suffered from clinical depression to define the illness, you’ll hear a variety of answers. Depression is a very personal experience that millions of people all over the world experience.
Different people manifest different symptoms, but one thing is certain: depression is a difficult illness that can destroy your life if left unresolved.
Many people with depression describe it as a sense of despair that engulfs everything they do and everything they feel.
If you think being depressed is akin to feeling sad because your favorite team just lost the championship game, you really have no idea what suffering from a true depression is like. Depression is much deeper and more invasive than sadness or frustration.
Depression takes everything away from you; it saps your energy, focus, concentration, and especially your joy. You just don’t care about anything; nothing matters and even the people you love become unimportant.
If you’re depressed for a long period of time, you become accustomed to the feeling and any other emotion becomes unfamiliar and even frightening.
Physical Concerns of Depression
Depression doesn’t only take its toll on your emotions and mental state; it can cause serious physical problems as well. Depression may cause you to either lose your appetite or eat incessantly. It also zaps your energy and motivation.
When you’re depressed, you tend to become inactive. This alone can cause a number of problems, but when added to some of the other physical side effects of depression, it’s easy to see why depression is such a serious illness.
In addition, depression can lead to:
1. Lack of sleep. Depression can cause insomnia, which strips the body of the necessary sleep to function properly.
2. Poor nutrition. When depressed, many people fail to take in proper nutrients. It takes too much effort to plan and prepare a meal. This can cause several health problems.
3. Aches and pains. If anyone tells you that your mental state has no effect on your physical state, they’re wrong. When you’re depressed, the chemicals in the brain that signal pain are as affected as the chemicals in your brain that help you feel happy.
· Physical aches and pains are increased, which in turn, kicks in the sad feelings and the cycle begins again.
4. Hygiene issues. Someone suffering from depression doesn’t have the energy or the motivation to be concerned with self-care.
What are the Symptoms of Depression?
These are some specific things those with depression experience:
· Constant and severe sadness about everything
· Hopelessness
· Insomnia or trouble sleeping
· Irritability
· Trouble concentrating
· Loss of interest in things that once interested them
· Feeling worthless, useless and strangely guilty for no reason at all
· Serious change in weight, one way or the other
· Lack of energy and fatigue
One thing about depression is certain: it’s a serious condition and should be taken seriously.
As depression progresses, it feeds on itself like a snowball rolling downhill. The longer someone is depressed, the worse the depression gets until they see no way out of it at all. They become resigned to being miserable all the time.
Depression can be caused by a certain event, the change of seasons, a loss of someone close, or even a chemical imbalance in the brain. The treatment for depression usually involves counseling or medication that helps alter brain chemistry.
If you know someone who is depressed, the best thing you can do is be his or her friend. Talk to them and help them through this period. Help them seek medical care to treat their illness.
If you think you may be depressed, talk to a health care provider. Depression doesn’t have to ruin your life! With help and support, you can conquer your depression, move past it, and go on to live a joyful life.